I’ve been sitting here for two hours. Perched in front of my front windows on top of one of my kitchen barstool chairs. The windows are open and the cool breeze from this gloomy day causes me to wrap up in a blanket. It’s one of those days where if it’s not down pouring it’s misting, as if the world is determined to keep everything wet for the entire day. I love it. I love the smell of rain on asphalt, the pitter-patter of raindrops falling from the roof onto the leaves of the bushes. I love the way everything looks a bit gray and for once I know the world is meant to be gray and it isn’t just my depression fogging my vision. It’s like rainy days were meant for those with depression, to make them feel comfortable and know the world can cry with you and you aren’t alone. One of my favorite quotes is “sometimes you need to cry out all your tears to make room for a heart full of smiles.” Well I think some days the earth just needs to cry too, to let the sunny days be that much more beautiful.
I’m sipping from my favorite mug, painted with leaves and a giant pumpkin depicting my favorite time of year, Fall. And as I type tears are streaking down my face. Slowly but surely they hit the keyboard and for the life of me I can’t understand why I’m crying. What is wrong with me that these tears occur so randomly that half the time I don’t know that I am crying? Why am I not just happy all the time? Well I suppose the answer is simple and yet not simple all at the same time. I’ve been suffering from severe depression since I was in 7th grade. I’ve probably been suffering from it my whole life, but it wasn’t diagnosed until then. For the longest time after I was diagnosed even my parents were unsure of just what depression was. I’d constantly get the “why are you so sad,” “cheer up it’ll be fine,” “you have a great life there is nothing to be upset about,” etc and so forth. Well how do I explain something that is so much deeper than just sadness, something that isn’t a common cold that will pass in a few days, something that affects you every single day even if you’re smiling and seemingly happy? I have read so many pieces on living with depression and it’s explained so well. But now trying to talk about my life with it, how do I explain so others can understand, relate, or learn? I suppose I’ll start from where it got so bad that I almost lost my life.